They are accompanied with Finnish (or English, if needed) translations (for teh lolz) and my (much needed, valuable) commentary.
Why am I doing this? No - the question is, why wouldn't I do this.
Excuse me for having a weird sense of humor.
All My Faith Lost - Kaikki toivoni menetetty :'(
- Go cry emo kid.
Bathtub Shitter - Kylpyammepaskantaja
- Awesome Japanese grindcore! And a catchy name, I must admit.
Black Death Ritual - Musta kuoleman rituaali
- Original Finnish black metal from the fiery depths of Kuopio. And the least stereotypical black metal name ever!
Black Priest of Satan - Saatanan musta pappi (No oli ihan SAATANAN musta pappi.)
- Black priest.. does this refer to skincolor? If not, what is it referring to?
- German black metal, I think.
Bloody Panda - Verinen panda
- Noooooooooo.... ;__; Not the panda..
- Doom metal bands hate everything that is cute.
Children of Technology - Teknologian lapset
- My reaction to the name:
- ...Thrash metal from Italy. Nothing wrong with that.
- I don't know why the name is so funny to me. Maybe it reminds me of Children of Bodom (which is another dumb name.. because the murdered group of people weren't children, they were teenagers or young adults! That's totally different!)
Cannibal Accident - Kannibaalivahinko
- Having a good time with a cannibal friend of yours, who had converted to veganism, when suddenly you realize s/he just took a bite off your butt cheek. A cannibal accident?
- Groovy grindcore from Turku, Finland; where cannibal accidents take place!
Commit Suicide - Tee itsemurha
- o___o Fuck you man.
- Pretty good death/grind. Despite the name.
Complete Failure - Täydellinen epäonnistuminen
- Sounds like someone had a crappy childhood! Which then turned into some noisy hardcore punk.
Clitoridus Invaginatus - Öhm..
- This band makes songs about topics like Rectal Fog. Lovely.
Curse of Golden Vampires - Kultaisten vampyyrien kirous :DD
- Sounds more like a Twilight movie than metal.
- Industrial "metal" from the UK. Hmm.
Day Everything Became Nothing - Päivä jolloin kaikesta tuli ei-mitään
- After listening to this band you'll feel like you want to give Commit Suicide a chance.
Dead Reptile Shrine - Kuolleiden liskojen alttari
- Sacrificial reptiles is the shit in Finnish black metal.
Drünken Bastards - Känniset paskiaiset
- I think this one could refer to pretty much any metal band out there. "Where are those Drunken Bastards? They were supposed to be on stage half an hour ago!"
- But, when the umlaut is involved, the band in question is a Hungarian thrash/black metal band. They have a song about Alcoholic Big Tits.
Engaged in Mutilating - Sekaantunut silpomiseen
- Engaged in death metal in Texas = engaged in mutilating.
Eternal Tears of Sorrow - Surun ikuiset kyyneleet
- I used to love this band and the name didn't matter, but now that I think about it.. Seriously? Eternal tears of sorrow.. ETERNAL. TEARS. of SORROW. Sounds like someone made an ironic comedy sketch about a gothic metal band.
Facedowninshit - Naamaalaspaskaan
- But that band sounds nothing like facing down in shit! That sounds more like faceupfromshit. Which is good.
Fear My Thoughts - Pelkää ajatuksiani
- Melodic death metal = I don't fear your thoughts.
Flesh Parade - Lihaparaati
- :D Holy crap, sound like fun. And it is! Check this out:
BEST WORKOUT VIDEO EVER
Flowing Tears - Virtaavat kyyneleet
- What is it with goths and tears, srsly. Flowing tears makes me think of hungry and pissed off babies.
Frantic Bleep - Kiihkeä piippaus :DD
- WTF, Norwegian progressive metal.. I would've guessed electro-porncore!
Garden of Worm - Madon puutarha
- Why wouldn't worms enjoy gardening. This one really enjoys it, even made a band in honor of his garden.
- Doom/progressive metal from Finland. Or early 90s experimental grindcore from Poland. (Popular name, weird.)
Giant Squid - Jättiläiskalmari
- These guys probably do a lot of drugs. Progressive post-metal from California.. figures.
Goat Semen - Vuohen sperma
- There's quite a nice variety of goat in metal band names. This one is very traditional.
- But what do goats think of all this?
Goatpenis - Vuohen penis
- Previous band's father?
Billy Goat, Black Goat, Blood Goat, Dead Goat, Dehydrated Goat (- Nestehukkainen vuohi):
Eternal Goat, Floating Goat, Funeral Goat, Goat Altar, Goat Anus, Goat Bleeder, Goat Command, Goat Eater, Goat Evil, Goat Emperor, Goat Horn, Goat Inferno, Goat Messiah, Goat Molestation, Goat Perversion, Goat Phallus, Goat Prayers, Goat Ritual, Goat River, Goat Serpent, Goat Skull, Goat Slime, Goat Synagogue, Goat Terrorism, Goat Thorn, Goat Throttler, Goat Torment, Goat Tunnel, Goat Tyrant, Goat Vengeance, Goat Vomit, Goat Vulva, Goat Worship, Hell Goat, Infernal Goat, LavaGoat, Mountain Goat, Old Goat, Satan's Goat (of course.), Shit Goat, Von Goat, and
Goat's Ass Trumpet. (Vuohen persetrumpetti, tai Vuohenpersetrumpetti. Vähän riippuu.)
And that wasn't all the goats there are. But let's move on, shall we.
Grave Siesta - Hautasiesta
- Your final, eternal siesta!
Hate Forest - Vihametsä
- I'd like to go hiking in the Hate Forest.
- It was located in Ukraine and it sounded like black metal.
Hell Darkness - Helvetin pimeys
- Could you get any more stereotypical. Oh, wait.. Black Death Ritual... Yeah, you can.
- I was almost sure Hell Darkness would be a Finnish band but no! The band's from Israel. So, not only Finns can come up with extremely creative bm names.
Horn of the Rhino - Virtahevon sarvi
- Finally, some creativity! I salute this band. Awesome name. And an awesome singer!
- They play doom, so I'm not surprised of their creativity. (Drugs, obviously.)
I Lied - Valehtelin
- Finnish thrash musicians are liars.
- This must be their logo:
Intestinal Alien Reflux - Suolistollinen muukalaisrefluksi?
- Someone's been watching some classic horror movies, I suspect.
The Jasser Arafats
- Aagh! Tampere, Finland, wtf! Tight as hell! Why wasn't I aware of this! :O
Kivimetsän druidi - The Druid of the Stone Forest
- Taken out of context that name just... makes me laugh. Sry guyz.
- Sitäpaitsi ei Suomessa ole druideja, täällä on shamaaneja!
Korpikuusen kyynel - The Tear of the Spruce (in the middle of nowhere)
- Jos ei ala soida päässä "korpikuusen kannon alla on mörrimöykyn kolo"...!
- And again with the tears.
Milking the Goatmachine - Vuohikoneen lypsy
- Wtf is a goatmachine? Just asking.
- Milk me up before I go go! Check out that goat dedication!
To be continued...