Again, simply to amuse myself, I've provided Finnish (or English, if the name's in Finnish) translations and my commentary on this extremely important matter. Links lead to further info on the band.
Mythological Cold Towers - Mytologiset kylmät tornit
- EPIC NAME. Slightly less epic in Finnish, I'm afraid. I just can't help but wonder why the temperature of the towers would make any difference.
- Actually, this sounds quite good. Death/doom from Brazil.
Never Known - Ei koskaan tunnettu/Ikuisesti tuntematon
- Surprisingly, I've never heard of this band. And I can't even find a website! Oh, the irony..
Nightwish - Yötoive. Yön toive? Toive yölle?
- I just had to include this. Has the band ever explained the name? What is the reasoning behind it? A wish made at nighttime? A wish made for the night? Wishing that it would be nighttime? Wut??
- Btw, my favorite song (in the link) by Nightwish is The Pharaoh Sails to Orion.
Nothing - Ei mitään
- According to the Metal Archives there are three bands called Nothing. I sense a paradox!
- 1) Australian thrash metal, 2.) Dark ambient/industrial from Oregon, US, 3.) Deceased death metal from Kentucky, US (later became Son of Dog).
NunFuckRitual - Nunnapanorituaali
- Hmm. I think I've heard of that ritual.
- Norwegian, scary black metal.
The Old Dead Tree - Vanha kuollut puu
- EPIC NAME
- But, seriously, these epicly and horribly named bands seem to be better than the names imply. This is French alternative metal. The French and their English... Figures.
|The Old Dead Tree.|
- Oh you guys. What a creative euphenism for the devil! Could also mean a cat, or a dog.. or almost any animal with a tail for that matter.
- Norwegian black metal, weirdly enough.
|Me (above, turned into a guy) complimenting One Tail, One Head (below) for their clever name.|
- Finnish psychedelic black metal on drugs.
- Wikipedia tells us that "in Assyrian and Babylonian mythology, Pazuzu (sometimes Fazuzu or Pazuza) was the king of the demons of the wind, and son of the god Hanbi." Interesting. Was he orange?
Painmuseum - Tuskamuseo
- One ticket, please!
Pig Destroyer - Siantuhoaja
- A legendary grindcore band. I wonder what they had to go through to come up with this name. Pigs are extremely intelligent animals after all.
Pure Evil - Puhdas pahuus
- Finnish black/death metal. I must admit, they sound very evil. I'm almost afraid. Yawn.
Rabbits - Pupuset
- This is the best name so far. TINY LITTLE BUNNY WABBITS!
- Strangely enough, this US band plays aggressive sludge metal. I wonder if they wear bunny ears on stage.
Rabbit's Carrot - Pupun porkkana
- Would you believe me if I told you this was Jon Nötveidt's and Ole Öhman's band before Dissection? Well, it was. A fucking Rabbit's Carrot!
|Rabbit's Carrot logo :3|
- I'm sort of surprised to find "modern melodic death metal" in Finland. We are worse at it than our fellow Scandinavians, but this ain't a bad try.
- But the stupid name makes it somewhat worse. "My Bitch" would've been fine, guys. Or "Rage Bitch."
Rippikoulu - Confirmation Class
- I totally understand why they chose this name for a death metal band. I would've understood it for a goregrind band as well.. Finnish confirmation classes - an experience comparable to a horror movie!
- Classic Finnish death metal from the early 1990s.
Saatanan Marionetit - Marionettes of Satan. Or, Fucking Puppets.
- Oh god.. These Finnish geniuses have a song called "Satan Went to Sauna." God help us all.
Se, josta ei puhuta - The one that is not talked about/discussed
- "My favorite band is the one that is not talked about."
- I've never had to slip this into a conversation but I'm interested to see how it would happen.
- One of my most listened bands this winter. Evil, blackened thrash metal from Finland. Love these guys.
She Said Destroy - Hän sanoi: Tuhoa!
- "And he did it cuz he's a pussy-whipped son of a bitch." Hmph, men.
- I would've guessed that this is some generic American metalcore band but no, BEHOLD, it is a band from Norway that does not play (merely) black metal. Is this reality?? I like it.
Speed Kill Hate - Vauhti Tapa Viha (..)
- A very descriptive name for an angry American thrash band (and I'm not even being ironic).
- But a very good example of linguistic differences and how this would not make any sense in Finnish. Lawl.
Success Will Write Apocalypse Across the Sky - Menestys kirjoittaa maailmanlopun taivaan halki
- So uh, is this like an evil metaphor that is meant to say that if you're successful you will be responsible for the apocalypse? Like, fuck capitalism? Because I totally get that.
- Deathgrind from Florida. I must say, this is the most pleasing discovery for my taste in this list. Me gusta.
Suicide Love Boat - Itsarilemmenlaiva
- BLEGH! Such a stupid name it's not even funny anymore.
- Blasphemy! These idiots have brought the Finnish ancient mythology of the god of gods, Ukko Ylijumala, to shame by making a horrible, horrible song to it. For this, you will not be forgiven. Where is your national pride??! Die, infidels!
Texas in July - Teksas heinäkuussa
- Skinny jeans and short hair. Yes, this is deathcore and Texas in July equals Hell. God-awful.
This or the Apocalypse - Tämä tai maailmanloppu
- More skinny jeans and short hair! AAGHH MAKE IT STOP!!
- I choose the apocalypse, thank you.
Thou Shalt Suffer - Tulet kärsimään
- Black metal - can you guess from where? Stars with an N and ends with a Y.
- Do they imply that thou shalt suffer while listening to this music? Hmm. My mom would.
To Separate the Flesh from the Bones - Erottaa lihat luista
- These guys should make a comeback. Honestly.
- One of my first favorite grindcore bands. Formed by three guys from Amorphis, Him and Ajattara.
Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza - Tony Danzan loistelias steppausesitys
- What does tapdance have to do with a-little-better-than-average-mathcore? I sense that these guys are just desperately trying to stand out in the vast pile of metalcore crap. Doing a decent job though.
|Jesus tapdancing on a cracker wrapper. Your argument is invalid.|
Trail of Tears - Kyynelten polku
- Fat little goth princesses roaming their trails of tears. Sob.
- Wait, they are also from Norway but don't play black metal. Symphonic gothic metal instead. No surprise there, given the name, but it's a surprise they're from Norway.
Vaginal Penetration of an Amelus with a Musty Carrot - Raajattoman sikiön vaginaalinen penetraario homeisella porkkanalla
- Sorry to put that image in your heads. But this (grindcore) band fucken rocks! The singer dude is phenomenal. Talk about an original vocal style. BRR BRR BRR BRRR.
Varghkoghargasmal - Yrjö
- The fuck?
The Very End - Varsinainen loppu
- I'm sure these guys are pleased with themselves every time they are introduced on stage: "And now please welcome, the Very End!" Woooo.
- German melodic heavy metal.
Voice of Hate - Vihan ääni
- Spanish death/thrash.
- Why am I thinking about Spongebob?
Congratulations, you made it through the list!